People I Would Bang 1-10

People I Would Bang 1-10

I agree with most of the things that the delightfully skanky Jenna has to say, however I am more than a little bit disturbed by the fact that she seems to think that Duckie from The Land Before Time is a guy. I mean, did she even SEE the movie?! But I digress. I have decided that I would also like to make a list of people that I would fuck if the opportunity arose and everyone involved was single or otherwise available without consequence.

1. Adam Richman.

I can never tell if he’s Jewish or Italian or both, but either way, I want him in my cooter. I would let him lather my boobs with turkey grease directly off of his face after eating a giant turkey leg. I would let him dip his roast beef in my au jus.

2. Naveen Andrews.

There’s a scene at the end of Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love when he’s all drugged out on opium and mostly naked and he has eyeliner smudged all over his face that really gets me in the gonads. I would have sex with him after he passed out from all the blood loss.

3. Louis CK.

I’m not proud of this one, but I would do it. I would at least give him the world’s saddest handjob.

4. The “lefty loosey, righty tighty” girl from the Lowe’s commercial.


It isn’t so much that I really want to fuck her, but more that I want to make her feel good and serve her breakfast in bed and tell her how pretty she is all the time.

5. Zooey Deschanel.

I want to cum in her hair. She has the perfect hair for jizzing in. Also she has a face that just makes me want to be mean to her. I wouldn’t call her back.

6. Number Six from Batlestar Galactica.

I wish I had a head Six that I could have sex with at work when I think nobody is watching. Then someone could come in and it’d be really awkward because I’m really just masturbating. I would eat her mechanical pussy until it rusted.

7. Felix Gaeta from Battlestar Galactica.

I thought he was gay, but it turns out he’s actually bisexual. I’d fuck him in the ass with a strapon.

8. Audrey Parker from Haven.

Audrey is like the least sexy female cop ever who is actually kinda hot. My only explanation is that she really needs to get laid, and I’d be happy to help her out with that. I’d totally eat her pussy. For hours. That’ll relieve some stress.

9. The young female intern that put her finger in my asshole in the emergency room a year ago.

I don’t know her name, but she holds a special place in my heart because she took my anal penetration virginity. No one before her or since her has ever put anything into my ass. I want to find this woman and tell her she’s changed my life forever, then I’d ask her to finger my asshole again. In my mind, she looks like Elliot from Scrubs.

10. Jenna Marbles.

I want her to be my hilarious, sorta skanky, and really crude best friend that I make out with when neither of us can get a date. I’d probably try to fist her.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. I shall add to it when the desire strikes me. In closing, here’s Naveen Andrews’s ass:

One Response »

  1. the kama sutra opium guy is too high, zooey deschanel is too low, and what the hell is that jenna marbles chick doing on this list

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